Picking lenses ...

I sat in on a short lecture on the Law of War and Rules of Occupation by WCL's inhouse expert, Prof. Bob Goldman. It was an interesting lecture, and while I didn't think I actually knew much about humanitarian law - I think I know a little more than I thought I did. I was prompted to post not because of the substance of his lecture, but to some extent his perspective. Of course, he was of the mainstream view amongst academics that US presence in Iraq and Afghanistan are problematic - going as far as to say that US occupation of post-war Japan and Germany will be studied by future generations as two successful occupations, and the Iraq/Afghanistan occupations will be considered the greatest failures. Again - not the reason that I'm posting.

Towards the end of the lecture, Prof. Goldman said something very interesting. He was talking about how the international community, particularly the Human Rights Commission (HRC) and other U.N. agencies have addressed long-term occupiers and said something to the effect of, "of course, the U.N. keeps beating up on Israel - and they will continue to do so." That statement caught my attention immediately - and my immediate thought was, hm, what's his point. He then went on to say that yes, Israel has done it's share of bad stuff - but it undermines the credibility of the HRC to ignore other atrocities by other occupiers around the world - and mentioned the situation in Africa.

I have to admit, he has a point - it does undermine the credibility of human rights bodies to focus on one nation, and it definitely needs to start challenging the practices of other nations; however, this does seem like a little bit of spin - and I could go into distinguishing Israel from other nations in the world. The point is that our views are so dependent on which lens we choose to look at the world through.

Just listen to the noises
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen
--- Stone Sour, Through Glass

I wonder - is our perspective wide enough, are we choosing our lenses well? I personally haven't taken enough classes with conservative Professors that have views that are not on par with mine, and I think that I should. I'm concerned that this limits my ability to relate to people on the other side, or even people on the same side - if there is a bright line that divides us. Maybe there is no clear line ... now this probably isn't the most profound realization but even if we're fighting for the same side - there are sometimes starkly differing views on the same subject. Sometimes it bothers me - because I can't nail down the view that I adhere to. On the other hand, I'm sometimes afraid to create my own view because I'm concerned that it won't fit - with what I'm not sure.

My focus has slowly narrowed - it started out with me examining Islam, and the beliefs that I realized were a part of me from the outside; next I began to look at the relationship between Muslims and non-Muslims, followed by the most recent somewhat introspective intra-Islamic assessment (SuShi relations). In a sense its coming full circle - it's back to me, and how I form my views ... how I pick my lens, whether I'm capable of doing so ... and whether that lens'll fit.

Whether that lens will allow me to form opinions of my own, that are not either regenerated from other people's thoughts or neccessarily on par with a group - unless, of course I really do agree with that view - who knows. Regardless, its time to challenge the status quo.

search "law school"

I'm intrigued by the random google search, even more so by the random gmail search. The search term "law school" comes up with hundreds of hits ... but I narrowed them down with some variables. Here are some excerpts of emails that put life in context a little:

Email to Jay, Spring 2005: "why law school? so i can try and change the world through hard hitting, bare bones legislation - yeah, i don't really know myself. i just feel like its something i have to do. yes, we do need to talk! :)"

Email to Vagrant, Fall 2005: "things are fine - law school kinda sucks this week ... i'm tired, but i guess to some extent content."

Email to Sarah, Finals Fall 2005: "being a law student really sucks around finals time!"

Email to Aly, Spring 2006: "how goes the beast? i.e. law eskool"

Email to PJ, Summer 2006: "law school is a weird place - don't let me get into all of that"

Email to Aly, Summer 2006: reflecting on life in the post 1L world, emailing Aly to complain about a bad day at work - "it was like a kick in the face - like i really didn't learn ANYTHING in a year of law school" [its true, you really do feel like that!]; we then proceeded to plan a "pity party." :)

Email conversations with Aly and amnarani, Summer 2006: "does it ever get easier/more fun?" - "i think it gets easier once you have your own interns and summer associates to send off to do your research for you!!!!!!!!!!! ... [until then] blah to the max."

GChat with Big D, Winter 2006: in response to a question about law school - "[law school] is only as hard as you make it" [and I like to make life difficult]

As much as this selection of quotes may reflect a traumatizing and ugly experience - it really isn't quite that bad, at least I think so. I honestly do love law school, although I hate finals. It has been incredibly traumatizing, I'm definitely jaded from it, but I appreciate it for what its worth.

Colorful chaos

If there were ever a way in which we could pause our chaotic lives – it might demonstrate how our chaos actually brings a colorful peace into an otherwise ordinary night.

The American Dream

Before (so pretty, no?)

And ... then I found the shovel ...



Not so pretty, but at least I can get to school ... oh wait, I have to dig my car out first.

To litigate or not to litigate ...

Litigate: engage in legal proceedings
Litigation: The process of carrying on a lawsuit; a civil action in which a controversy is brought before the court.

I'm going to engage in grossly overstated generalizations here - when most law students get through law school, they have little knowledge about what litigation actually entails. The process of litigation is probably considered the most tedious, sometimes mind-numbing, and overwhelming exercise that one will ever go through. If all goes smoothly, and there is no settlement, the trial will go to court and the case presented in front of a jury. Before that, however, is the tedious, mind-numbing, overwhelming process that attorneys and their minions go through. I, my friends, have been through the wringer when it comes to being one of the minions that assist in this process - mostly through my experience at K&S. So, when I say I want to become a litigator - I think I'm getting into the process with my eyes wide open, and am prepared for the three horrors as described above.

Hours spent poring over documents, comparing them to others, making logical connections between statements made months apart, picking apart words ... sentences ... timing ... delving into information that no third party should ever be privy to ...

This weekend, however, I entertained an almost sickening thought - I might actually enjoy this.

That being said, I am intensely afraid of becoming a litigator. Not because I am concerned about hating the work, or losing the semblence of a social life that I currently maintain, or even to some extreme - my sanity. I am concerned that I'm going to morph into the attorneys that I disliked working for. Don't get me wrong - I respected 85% of the attorneys that I worked with, and had a great rapport with them. I told myself time and time again that I'd never become as anal as some of them were FULLY knowing that I was going to fall into the trap.

I'm also concerned that I'm going to let work become my life. I currently struggle to maintain the (school) work-life balance, and am failing miserably - I fear that work, regardless of what my job will be, will become my life as it has so easily become in the past.

I also fear that I will lose my compassion - my ability to see the whole picture, and that in "zealously advocating for my client" I'll lose sight of the fact that there is another human being on the other side (this issue will be unlikely if I'm fighting the corporate beast). Or alternatively, that I will be defending the corporate beast and sell my soul to the man.

And I fear that it'll all be reduced to paper ... and that I'll be analyzing the words, thoughts, choices of people based on a paper trial - with no real knowledge of what actually happened, what was actually said, intended, conveyed ...

I wonder if this is a constant struggle among my peers, among my colleagues. Is this life compatible with the life that I want to lead? Can I morally and ethically engage in this work, and live with myself at the end of it? And I wonder ...would I be happy choosing a path that is any different?

As hard as I try to surpress it ... there is a litigator inside of me, that is fighting to get out. Every once in a while ... it peeks its ugly head out, only to have me shove it back down. Anyone who's seen me get on the defensive recognizes that ugly head ... although, I hope that I've been successful in keeping the ugliness to a minimum.

I like to think that I'm a seeker of the truth. Questioning, examining, assessing. Searching. Seeking. Learning. But is this the seeker's path? Is this who am I meant to be?

“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and prayer. Truly! Allah is with the patient."
Quran 2: 153

We've come a long way ...

"We all think we’re going to be great. And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations are not met. But sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You’ve gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations. ..."
-- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

My best friend from highschool (lets call her, Mustafa) had a baby girl about ... ummm six or eight months ago. I wish I had pictures to post, but unfortunately I don't have access - soon though, very soon.

Mustafa and I were polar opposites - she was the smartest kid in class, most popular, athletically challenged (hehe), student body president ... yada yada ... the girl had her life paved, she just had to walk the path. I, on the other hand, was FAR from the model student. Although I had some semblance of athletic ability, I was probably closer to the bottom of my class than the top (incredibly close to not graduating highschool), and was the thorn in the side of most of my teachers (although, I did make them laugh alot :)). Yet, we were inseparable for most of the last couple of years of highschool.

We talked alot about where we'd be 10 years out of high school. She had her heart set on medical school, although she later wavered before finally taking the plunge; I, incredibly enough, saw myself as a lawyer*. I must preface this though - I saw myself as a Jerry McGuire type of lawyer - making deals with high profile basketball stars :).

We often talked about reuniting post-highschool, and the scenario went something like this - she'd be waiting in a New York City cafe, in between her two major-high-profile surgeries of the day, and I'd arrive (in my stretch limo no less) in between my meetings with Michael Jordan (I truly believed he'd play well into his 50's) and Patrick Ewing (I don't know what I was thinking). And our mid-afternoon coffee meeting would be in all the press - high-profile attorney-doctor friends meet for coffee.

This year marks ten-years since I graduated high school (note: high school in India is until 10th grade, not 12th as it is here). Neither Mustafa nor I have achieved the high profile lives that we imagined all those years ago, and we've both shifted our focus a little since then. She's busy raising Norah, an absolutely gorgeous child, and I ... well I don't know what I'm doing. But ... we are both, academically, on the paths we set forth for ourselves 10 years ago.

I have no doubt (and never have doubted) that Mustafa and I will meet in a cafe years from now ... however, I seriously doubt that I'll be between meetings with Jordan and Ewing, or that it'll be in New York city. More likely that we'll be at a Washington, D.C. Cosi, giggling over hot chocolate and cookies, but no limousine or paparazzi around the corner. Yes, Mustafa will be a doctor, and I inshaAllah will be a lawyer, and we'll both be working to make the world a better place for little Norah to run around ... perhaps that'll be newsworthy too.

"...Because the expected is just what keeps us standing, still ... the expected’s just the beginning. The unexpected – is what changes our lives."
-- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

*I often wonder how I imagined myself becoming a lawyer especially because I was such a terrible high school student. Goes to show that miracles do happen :)

Dream Deferred ...

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes

A year ago to date (give or take a few days), I attended the memorial service for my classmate - DS. On monday, I attended the memorial service for a fellow Eagle at WCL, lets call her WD. Two very different people, with whom I had different interactions with, but yet have made a profound impact on me.

DS was in his early twenties, was married and had a child on the way; he was cheerful, laid back and sharp as a tack - but was intensely guarded. We had met on the first day of class, and had shared the usual rigmarol of 1L - especially the horrors of legal writing. I never really knew him too well, but he was a part of the section C family - and we all stuck by each other.

I met WD only once; she was soliciting volunteers to help high school students write their college essays at the law school. I happened to be sitting there, and noticed the sign. I signed up to volunteer, and offered to forward the information on the ILF listserv - which I did. Unfortunately, the program for the day I signed up to go to the high school was cancelled and I didn't have an opportunity to work with WD.

DS took his own life on February 1, 2006, leaving behind his young wife and unborn son. WD passed away on January 13, 2007, after a 10 year battle with Lupus, leaving behind a sincerely loving extended-extended family.

These two people entered my life briefly - but have moved me to think about where I'm going. They've moved me to strengthen my faith, in different ways, and strengthen my ties to the people around me. Life is too short to dilly dally, and play with emotions.

This post is about remembrance - and about faith. None of us really know what prompted DS to act the way that he did - but it appeared to be a result of his struggle with his faith. WD was deeply committed to her faith, and it appears from the memorial that it was what kept her going. Amazing how something so simple can mean the difference.

To those that read this blog, it's more than likely that you know me and have impacted my life in some way. Some of you have changed the way I view the world, and some of you may have changed the way I view myself, or my work. No two paths cross without a life being changed, even if it is in the subtlest of ways. And for the change that you initiated, no matter how small, I thank you.

"Jaded"

The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.

-- Urban Dictionary