To litigate or not to litigate ...

Litigate: engage in legal proceedings
Litigation: The process of carrying on a lawsuit; a civil action in which a controversy is brought before the court.

I'm going to engage in grossly overstated generalizations here - when most law students get through law school, they have little knowledge about what litigation actually entails. The process of litigation is probably considered the most tedious, sometimes mind-numbing, and overwhelming exercise that one will ever go through. If all goes smoothly, and there is no settlement, the trial will go to court and the case presented in front of a jury. Before that, however, is the tedious, mind-numbing, overwhelming process that attorneys and their minions go through. I, my friends, have been through the wringer when it comes to being one of the minions that assist in this process - mostly through my experience at K&S. So, when I say I want to become a litigator - I think I'm getting into the process with my eyes wide open, and am prepared for the three horrors as described above.

Hours spent poring over documents, comparing them to others, making logical connections between statements made months apart, picking apart words ... sentences ... timing ... delving into information that no third party should ever be privy to ...

This weekend, however, I entertained an almost sickening thought - I might actually enjoy this.

That being said, I am intensely afraid of becoming a litigator. Not because I am concerned about hating the work, or losing the semblence of a social life that I currently maintain, or even to some extreme - my sanity. I am concerned that I'm going to morph into the attorneys that I disliked working for. Don't get me wrong - I respected 85% of the attorneys that I worked with, and had a great rapport with them. I told myself time and time again that I'd never become as anal as some of them were FULLY knowing that I was going to fall into the trap.

I'm also concerned that I'm going to let work become my life. I currently struggle to maintain the (school) work-life balance, and am failing miserably - I fear that work, regardless of what my job will be, will become my life as it has so easily become in the past.

I also fear that I will lose my compassion - my ability to see the whole picture, and that in "zealously advocating for my client" I'll lose sight of the fact that there is another human being on the other side (this issue will be unlikely if I'm fighting the corporate beast). Or alternatively, that I will be defending the corporate beast and sell my soul to the man.

And I fear that it'll all be reduced to paper ... and that I'll be analyzing the words, thoughts, choices of people based on a paper trial - with no real knowledge of what actually happened, what was actually said, intended, conveyed ...

I wonder if this is a constant struggle among my peers, among my colleagues. Is this life compatible with the life that I want to lead? Can I morally and ethically engage in this work, and live with myself at the end of it? And I wonder ...would I be happy choosing a path that is any different?

As hard as I try to surpress it ... there is a litigator inside of me, that is fighting to get out. Every once in a while ... it peeks its ugly head out, only to have me shove it back down. Anyone who's seen me get on the defensive recognizes that ugly head ... although, I hope that I've been successful in keeping the ugliness to a minimum.

I like to think that I'm a seeker of the truth. Questioning, examining, assessing. Searching. Seeking. Learning. But is this the seeker's path? Is this who am I meant to be?

“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and prayer. Truly! Allah is with the patient."
Quran 2: 153