Paranoia

Terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupefied... by you. - John Nash, Beautiful Mind (2001)

I'm terrified. Probably more scared than I've ever been.

I'm terrified that I'm going to insult my clients.
I'm terrified that I'm going to misrepresent my clients.
Most importantly, I'm terrified that my mistakes are going to screw up my clients' lives. Or just make them that much more difficult.

I'm terrified that I'm going to let down those that look to me - often because I've forced them into it by being readily available.
I'm terrified that I'm going to let down my advisors - who have put alot of time, and confidence in my little mind. And finger tips.
I'm terrified that I'm going to let down those that have supported me through and through ... by demonstrating that I'm not in anyway above average.
I constantly wonder if the last three years have been worth anything - maybe a little random knowledge here and there, but have I been able to move us forward.

I'm mortified by the amount of work that I have piling up in front of my eyes, and the work that I say no to ... my heart aches with the anxiety of not being able to do it. I'm mortified by the number of things that could be done, but I don't have the energy to do - and mortified that there aren't enough people to work towards the goals.

I'm petrified of falling so deep into work that I forget the real reason that I'm here. I'm petrified that I'll fall so deep into work, that I'll forget the practical things that need to be done. I'm petrified that my emotions will take over my senses, and will overcome reason. I'm petrified that I'm going to run out of steam, and slump in a corner. I'm petrified of failing ... and falling.

In all of this confusion, anxiety and stress ... I am thankful. And I am thankful because one of the many good things that I have in my life is a phenomenal circle of friends that keep me going in every sense of the phrase. They inspire me, they support me, they make me laugh, and ... they remind me that in it all ... I should be grateful.

I am grateful for my family, and for my amazing friends - the circle that keeps growing. I am grateful for Red, Tasveer, zIPod, Harry and Bob - all of whom make my life infinitely easier, and more enjoyable. I am grateful for the amazing opportunities that I have, and the possibilities that lie within each one of them. I am infinitely grateful for my compass - the little one that I bought at ISNA, and the little one in my heart - that sometimes falters, but every once in a while - whizzes in the right direction.

I haven't been this anxious since first year, and I got through that - far away from the comforts of a district. InshaAllah ... with baby steps, whittling away ... this too shall pass.